Closed Chapter

Written June 22, 2013

I'm starving. I've been deprived, cut off from the thing that gets me through good and trying days. There is no stir in my belly. No deep yearning to be near. Just a feeling of deception. Duped. Built me up only to let me fall. No loving arms to break my fall. No gentle words to tell your side, just a slammed door to my face. My karmic energy has come back to me in the form of you. I now know the feeling of being left with no warning. I feel the full devastation of its impact. I wasn't worth an explanation. Not worthy of your truth or vulnerability. Your truth of what changed for you nor the vulnerability a conversation evokes. The effects of a decision made, solo, some things never change. But this, us, wasn't a relationship and I led with relationship expectations. Perhaps I brought this on myself. But you've showed me who you are, again. This time I believe you.

Some times a moment is only a moment

The Moment
A moment of lust.
Lust nibbles on my shoulder,
Trails its tongue up both legs and thighs.
A moment of logic.
Logic misses my heart.
And I react.
React to the intense chemistry between us.
Whether you're here and I'm there we share depth and breadth.
Off this I take a chance.
A moment of assertion.
Assert myself in ways that I suspect may excite you.
Show you that I am not afraid. Show you that with everything I am I'd pour into you through my lips.
Access is not granted.
Denied by a turn of your chin.
Forgo my gesture of passion for a moment.
A moment of security.
Security wraps me up in its arms, holds me through night, kisses my tears away, and places a hand on the small of my back.
I'm consumed.
With joy and anticipation of what will happen when our lips connect.
A moment of proof.
Proof that we are not done.
Three years and eight weeks later,
Our chapter had only just begun.
In the night you enter me and we kiss.
Exhale into the kiss...
What transpires is familiar yet new.
The exact feeling of your lips is foreign to me
Yet it feels like home.
A moment of clarity.
Clarity in who I want.
Who I've always wanted.
You.
The brown girl with a round nose,
Eyes shaped like small almonds,
Delicate hands that soothe my tough exterior,
A heart big enough to contain the storm that is Me.
A moment of honesty.
Honesty in your eyes.
They tell the tale of two girls who fall in love as girls but are no longer in love as women.
Rather unfortunate,
That I could feel such intensity alone.
Be the only one to envision its longevity.
A moment of vulnerability,
We weep
For the women we are now who have friendship but no fire for one another.
I close my eyes.
Try to remember how your lips feel on mine.
I remember nothing.
Open my eyes to honking cars,
The light is green, my turn to go.
Our moment has passed.

Untitled

Lingering feelings

Confusion, mostly.

Sometimes lust.

Possibly love.

Then more confusion. 

So much ambiguity.

Make a left and there's clarity.

Clarity remains so long as space exist.

Sparingly sent text messages

Minimal time spent on the phone.

No deep penetrating gazes to ignore.

No invasion of personal space.

Space so personal that we share one another's breath.

Another millisecond and our lips...could connect.

Make the next left.

Intensity lingers.

Challenge my neutrality.

Push buttons that stir lust.

A pull of my hips here.

Heavy breathing in my ear

As you grind your body onto mine.

A round of tequila shots

Make the next left and I'm flirting with disaster.

Reading far deep into your actions

Unbuttoning my blouse

Placing your hand on my lower back.

Putting your breast on my back.

Breathing on my neck

Palming my ass.

Inquiries of who these thighs submit to.

My body submits to the mere thought of...

Walk around the next left corner.

We find

A change in your rhythm, instantaneously my rhythm matches

We mesh.

In a synchronized method our bodies humm a familiar tune

A tune we danced, sometimes together and sometimes alone

At the very same corner we started on,

Whispering the likeness and appreciation we have for one another,

In secret.

A jog into love and I'm a half a mile ahead.

You've stopped to take a breather and tie your shoe.

Around four left corners and at the fifth I'm naked.

Exposed are the depths of my love and desire to be chosen.

Vulnerable to the devastation of the hurricane to come if this friendship no longer has fire.

I Hide

I avoid your eyes
To hide
The vulnerable state I’m in when our gaze meets.
The truth spills the crazy intensity I feel when these eyes meet you.

I run from your glance
To disguise the vulnerability I feel when you search past my eyes to my soul.
The overwhelming passion, intense craving, and undeniable desire to have you touch me, kiss me, embrace me.

I hide. 

As your hand raises above my head to place your arm around me, 

I freeze.
I hide my delight of such a gesture.
Run from excitement of the possible meanings.
You’re mine again and I, forever yours. 

Gently, you tug my curls.
I hide my smile 

Because its all too telling of my joy to have you be the first to play in my curls.
Closer you guide me,
Close enough that if I was bold enough I could take your lips.
I turn away, hiding
My desire.
My desire to pull you in, meet my own orgasm as our tongues dance
A familiar dance that I recall, often

Often I’m tempted to encroach in conversation.
Converse of the possibilities to rekindle what I call passions acted on too soon.
If only we could have been better four years prior.
There’d be no need to hide my desires.
Desires to be the avenue that you become what you exude, A citizen, not a visitor
My muse in all my pieces.

Glass breaks and my day dream is interrupted.
Back to my realities
We were lovers, turned enemies, now friends who have drinks and consult one another about new love interests.

I stop hiding.
Regain my composure
Make eye contact Search your eyes for closure.

Searching, searching, searching. ..

I find a friend who is no longer a lover.
A genuine love and appreciation for the person I have become.
The unexpected expected.
Fuck it hurts!
Continue our gaze,
Communicate without words that I accept where we are and silently thank you.

You smile,
Communicate an understanding of what transpired between our eyes.
A silent conversation of closure.
Relinquishing the hold you have on me.
Peace of mind and heart for mourning the loss Of the love shared between two souls.
No more reason to hide