Find my smile

I've been finding it difficult to find my smile today. I thought I was coming home to an empty house and to my surprise I didn't. I was relieved yet unbothered. I remembered sleeping alone. No safe arms to sleep in, nor a warm body to get lost in. I don't know why I can't find my smile in what we have and honestly I never really have. But maybe that's the lesson here: as much as I desire to be able to find my smile in who I'm with, some times it comes from within.

Simplicity

I just want a woman who adores me. Who loves the sight of me dressed for work and half dressed at home. A woman who can't wait to come over and read with me while playing in my hair. A woman who enjoys my booty rubs and wants to kiss all night. A woman who enjoys sleep overs but doesn't want the uhaul just yet. A woman who invites me over for breakfast so we can start the day together because she thought about me all night. Or meets me for a drink after work because she missed me all day. A woman I can show everyday that I love very much because she shows me the same. Something to strive for when we find one another.

Poetry

Written 3/11/14

What I turn to when my body is filled with emotions yet my lips refuse to part.
My hands glide with ease over my tattoos, writing the story of my heart.
What I reach for when suggestions of intimacy are made but not followed through on.
Wrap myself in memories of free flowing affection.
Words flow freely here, in this space,
I'm vulnerable here. There's space for that, here.
It's safe to be Me.

Starving (3/3/14)

I'm starved.
Parched.
Hugs, love, cuddles, and kisses don't exist..
No hand holding, sweet caresses, sexy words.
Zilch. Zero
I'm empty.
Nothing left to offer, I retreat.
Sleep behind closed doors,
Cry myself to sleep for the ache of loneliness I feel in my relationship.
We have very different needs
Not meeting hers destroys any hope for her to meet mine.
It's like trying to force a shoe 3x too big to fit.
Maybe, just maybe it's the shoes,
Not her foot.
Maybe I shopped at the wrong stores and I'm forcing a stiletto onto a foot made for sneakers.
Maybe I'm ingesting one too many things that I'm allergic to.
Perhaps I need to change my diet.
Avoid what is not healthy for me. YOU.

Memories of an Insecure Girl

I walk with the confidence of a woman because I have memories of being an insecure girl.
Memories of waiting for daddy to call, pick her up, take an interest, or just be present.
Present to listen to the cries of a lost girl.
Lost in uncertainty.
Lost in insecurity.
Lost in boys.
Different boy on her arm until she found the one.
Who reminded her of the father, she wishes her dad could have been.
Should have been to her and her 3 brothers.
But she likes girls, too.
Or
Maybe only.
She's not sure because society,
In the form of an 11 year girl
Who asks "why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Her first boyfriend at 11.
And from then on she has a boyfriend.
Virginity given away. Obligation. Duty. He "deserved" it.
Ten years of sex with men.
Men who forcefully fuck her without consent. Ignore her "no".
Ignore her "stop".
Ignore the shove to his waist to stop his manhood from invading her love.
When not being invaded, she likes penetration.
Ignore the desire to have a woman's tongue invade her walls
Insert her fingers.
One.
Two.
Three.
Open my eyes.
Remember that insecure girl.
Wishing she could have had the security, support, and love to scream.
Its called assault, sexual!
Anything but yes is an invasion.
A coercion.
Carrying this burden at twenty-six.
Why must I coerce my dad to be a father?
Be the man a little girl needs to be free.
To love herself no matter who she prefers in her love.

Our Musical Story: Continuously Updated 2.14.14

This song speaks to the moment I first saw you walk into Soul Sessions. I hoped that I’d be able to get to know you better and I was fortunate enough to do so. Now that I know you better, more of the lyrics hold to be true. It isn’t just the outside that I love, it’s the inside. I hope that the start of our musical story continues to be as joyous as my thoughts of you are today.

Gorgeous by Jamie Foxx

She wanna hair done, ok
She wanna nails done, ok, ok
She wanna bills paid

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, baby you are, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, you making me wanna, gorgeous,
Spend this money gorgeous, all on you

Shorty you make the world go round,
When I get you girl, I'ma hold you down
Can't no other man do you like I do
Nothing on the surf compare to me loving you
Gucci bags, Louie bags, if you want it girl then that's what you have
No amount of money in this world is too much
Thankin cupid for introducing the two of us
This must be match made in heaven
Feels like dice when I roll a seven
Girl I'm so so lucky I found you, found you, found you

Gods missin' an angel cause you're right here
Beautiful skin and body and some nice hair
Girl don't you ever walk out of my life, life

Girl you are gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, baby you are, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, you making me wanna, gorgeous,
Spend this money gorgeous, all on you [x2]

If I had the world in my hands I would give it all up just to be your man
In the summer time, we'll build the castle in the sand,
And the winter time we make us a snowman
Baby let's do something romantic, make love under the moon, light and planets
And the stars, how they shine, but not nearly as bright as you and I

God missin' an angel cause you're right here
Beautiful skin and body and some nice hair
Girl don't you ever walk out of my life, my life

Girl you are gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, baby you are, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, beautiful
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, you making me wanna, gorgeous,
Spend this money gorgeous, all on you

From the very beginning I’ve had this intense urge to take care of you. I don’t really know where it came from, but I embraced it full on. I do admit that at times it is a bit more than I could have ever imagined it’s be but I don’t regret a single thing. I wouldn’t have made any different choices, not offering to make my space, OUR space, not providing for you, not arguing or fighting, anything. All of this has made us and what we share. I hope that one day, the space will feel like OUR space to you.

Breaking The Law by Emeli Sande

When you need to smile
But you can't afford it
Go on point it out
I'm gonna steal it
When the floor is more familiar than the ceiling
I will break in late at night
Shake up how you're feeling

I'll never stop
Breaking the law for you
I'll never stop
Helping to pull you through
Whatever it takes to get what you need
Ignore the alarm
Ignore the police
I'll never stop
Breaking the law for you

Things have changed so much since July 19, 2013. I’m working on rolling with those changes, pushing through the difficult times, and staying positive about the possibilities. There is a bright future ahead of us and despite my previous thoughts about where we’re headed, I think that we should keep trying. We could make this work.

Maybe by Emeli Sande

When we first moved in together
Couldn't keep hands off each other
No we're lying back to back
And silence in the black
We used to laugh until we cried
You would look at me and smile
Now we hardly say hello
And feelings never show

All the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't wanna give up yet because...

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go

We broke up last Sunday night
Keep on thinking 'bout the fight
Rest my head against the wall
Your bags are by the door
Then your key turns in the lock
I see you on the stairs and stop

Have you had a change of heart?
Can we go back to the start?

But all the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't wanna give up yet because...

Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
We could make it work
We could make it work

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe We could make it work
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe We could make it work
Maybe it's time to go

 

A year older

I turned 26 last year in November and I was suppose to reflect on my 25th year on this earth the day after my birthday. But as life always does, it happened. So I never got around to writing a reflection. As I sit here at work, I feel like a lot of my other posts are reflections of my year so this won't get too repetitive. But here goes nothing, or potentially everything...

I started my 25th year with a goal in mind, to start making serious efforts to begin dating. Now I've never "traditionally" dated and by that I mean, met random people out and about, exchange phone numbers, go on dates and etc. I've always been introduced to someone through someone I know and things just become more from there. So I made efforts to be at more social events where I'd have potential to meet someone, stepped out of my comfort zone and approached women, etc. Totally put myself out there. Needless to say it most of the year for me to meet someone and truly connect with them. I tried online dating and everything. I think part of the problem though was the "what if" questions and lingering feelings and connection that I had with two people from my past. Once I realized this I sought out closure with both individuals and received that. Very long process but I got what I needed. I realized that it was best that I cut all ties with one person and realized friendship, at best, was in the best interest of everyone with the other person. For once, I sought out answers to close doors on relationships instead of having them slammed in my face. In the midst of obtaining the closure I was seeking I met someone. Never really saw it going anywhere because she too was in a situation but it in fact did, go somewhere. We've been through so much in this short period of time and it feels like it's been longer than six and half months. It's truly been a really great roller coaster ride. Most days are fun, interesting, insightful, and awesome. I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and how to function in a relationship with someone who is so opposite of me. We are still learning each other and navigating how to meet each other's needs and expectations. It's funny though because a relationship is all I've wanted or what I felt like was missing from my life and now that I have one it's so hard for me to adjust to not being single. I think I suffer from the "too independent" complex. I've had to do everything, figure out everything, and depend only on myself for years and learning to let go a little, consult, ask, and consider her as my partner is way easier said than done. But everyday I get better at all of that. This 26th year is full of promise for not only my future (school, career, and etc) but also for my relationship.

I hope this was worth the looooooong wait lol. But if it wasn't, just keep that to yourself.