Poetry

Written 3/11/14

What I turn to when my body is filled with emotions yet my lips refuse to part.
My hands glide with ease over my tattoos, writing the story of my heart.
What I reach for when suggestions of intimacy are made but not followed through on.
Wrap myself in memories of free flowing affection.
Words flow freely here, in this space,
I'm vulnerable here. There's space for that, here.
It's safe to be Me.

Pandora Shuffle

Pandora is on, here goes nothing OR potentially everything

Pyramids by Frank Ocean
I'm not questioning who the cheetah is, it's her. But what is questioned is what is she after. Is it my heart? Is it to change me or mold me into the person that will work best for her and who she is? Is she after growth for herself and the relationship? Is she searching for something and if so am I willing and capable of giving them. Sometimes I know better than other times but we are both still learning one another. Maybe one day I'll find out and feel secure with that or maybe I won't and who knows where that will lead.

Hot Sugar by Tamar Braxton
My attraction to her is different than any other that I've had and the way I experience her attraction to me is unlike any than I've ever experienced. Sometimes it leaves me with questions and other times it's spot on...

Looooovvvvvveeee Song by Rihanna
It's so true! I need love and affection, daily! I thrive in spaces, environments, work, school, and everything in between when I'm given both. My sex drive is higher when I'm in love or really into someone. Sex all day, breakfast, lunch & dinner. Does this mean my appetite is insatiable? I don't know but either way, it is what it is!

Sex Therapy by Robin Thicke
Verse 2...THE END.

Promise by Ciara
I'm ready right now to make one promise, to be honest, open, present, and committed to problem solving. I don't "know" that this will last forever but I do know that right now it's where I want to be. I don't however know how we can make it last forever with who we both are currently. There always seems to be lots of conflict or tension because we both have attitudes, we're both dominate in different ways, and we handle or process conflict differently among other things.

Those Who Wait by Daley

This is absolutely a song that gets me to put myself in check when I'm feeling really impatient.This is a perfect song to describe my journey through undergrad to my Master's program and later into my Ph.D. program. I did things that made sense for the path I'm on. I can also apply this to my current dating relationship. Some days, like today, I just need to sit back and work for the thing(s) and people that I want. 

Tip Toe by Tamar Braxton

I'm beginning to understand that I'm more open than she is about our dating relationship. Adjusting to not being so open has been an adjustment for me. But again, her delivery always makes it harder for me to really HEAR what her message is. Beginning to keep OUR cards close to me. 

Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

This song still gives me chill when I listen to it. It holds so true for me. When I hug, kiss, or touch my partner it's as passionate as the first one that I anticipated for however long. Every time you kiss me, kiss you like you'll never see me again. It's like that, tell someone you love them, because there is no guarantee that you'll see or talk to them again. Live every moment like it's your last. I'd probably spend every moment with my partner touching, kissing, rubbing...you get my drift. 

Contemplate by Wale

The chorus of this song speaks to me. It's screaming, actually. Today, I've asked myself throughout the day, if this was my limit or could I handle this and manage it and be happy everyday for most of the day? The answer I received was "I don't know but I'm willing and wanting to figure out how to manage it and get the things that I need to be happy."

Neva End by Future

She told me early on that she thought I'd be around. Maybe it was she felt like I'd be around. Affectionately I tell her that she isn't going anywhere. Very interesting relational dynamic we have. I enjoy it tho, 89% of the time. I can't wait to look into her eyes and hug her...moments away

Up All Night by Drake

I think about who I surround myself with and why I hand picked those people. Then I think about my family and how even though we aren't close I do a lot of what I do to one day be able to support us all. And the people that I hand picked help me to do what it is I do :-). I love my team! 

Blame The World by Daley

I ask myself if I'm being foolish and the answer is always that if I am I'll manage the emotions that come with that at that time. Everything is a lesson learned for me. 

You vs Them by Jhene Aiko
I instantly thought about some the challenges I face while making this shift into a space that must consider someone other than myself. I hate that it seems to be looked at as a need to make a choice. Some times there are times when you need to take a step to the side, not to the back. Such a struggle.

My Ego

I'm in therapy (we all need therapy, IMO). I went to therapy yesterday and it was the first session that I didn't shed not a single tear...I mean let's be realistic here, I did get choked up but I didn't cry! But to get to the point of this post, I've been working on myself. Through this process I told my ex boyfriend that we didn't need to talk. We hadn't spoken in over a year prior to him re-entering my life over some stupid and fucked up shit he said to while I presume he was high as fuck...let's back track a little.

I was brought up in an environment where women got their ass beat on the regular. I vowed to never put up with that shit and I did well up until 2007ish. My ex boyfriend "mushed", for lack of a more appropriate term and to avoid the dramatics that I used to use to describe the situation, in the face in an aggressive manner. Naturally I flipped the fuck out and went ape shit on him. We moved on and continued a relationship with no other incidents occuring, until I called it off late in 2008. We kept in contact, like I always do with my exes. I moved after graduating college and decided to give the relationship a shot since we were in the same city. It didn't work out and I pushed to maintain a friendship. While having a conversation with him about my needing to move he says that he could never live with me because he'd beat my ass. Pause. Yes he said that to me and naturally I expressed that there was no need to continue a friendship because I wasn't going to deal with a person who could think to put their hands on me as a method of communication or lacking the ability to communicate. Nine months into no longer speaking a familiar feeling arose. I felt bad that we weren't connected and I did not choose to be there for him should he ever need me to.

Fast forward to about a month and a half ago when I had an somewhat honest (it was the most honest I was willing to be with myself) conversation with him about why I always want to maintain relationships with my exes. I didn't want him to hate me or be mad at me. I mean in the end it seemed like he may have been because after arguing about the same damn thing I said "enough is enough". We don't have to be friends, I hold no ill feelings toward him but I was making the choice not to actively engage in any sort of relationship (friendship). What I realize in this moment, after some reading and reflecting, is that I serve my ego when I hold on to people longer than necessary. Wanting, rather, needing to know the whys and exploring what ifs serves my ego more than doing any good in moving on with my life and forgiveness. My ego is large enough and I'm arrogant enough to think that I deserve forgiveness from people without giving it and that I deserve answers to the whys and second chances to explore what if scenarios. Fast forward...

I have been exploring feelings for someone from my past, a different ex. It hadn't occurred to me that this too could also be an outward expression of my ego. When we were just friends, I felt this very intense urge to be forgiven and a few times a year I would time travel to the past and ask "what if I was the person I am today in the relationship, would it have ended in my favor?". During this time of exploring these feelings that never seemed to really go away, I'm wondering if I maintained these intense feelings for selfish reasons. I'm asking myself if it's the "what if" moments that my ego & I think that we "deserve" to explore. Do I love you and if I do does that look like how I've been behaving? Do I need to leave well enough alone? Why isn't friendship enough? Why do I want a friendship with you? Space to think things through on their part has given me things to consider that I don't think I would have had I not been forced into such space. I'm such a protective person, my therapist said this, that I feel focusing or allocating attention to the idea that this may not go the way in which I want it to go serves as a means to "protect" myself (my ego) from the pain that I'd feel if it doesn't. Having to accept that it wasn't simply bad timing, but that we were only meant to share a moment in our life, not our entire life course...I mean I honestly can't figure it out alone so I'm choosing to take this all day by day and be honest with myself about how I'm feeling and being okay with not knowing and figuring it out as it happens. Super hard for me to do. I like to be prepared for everything, which I'm also working on. Learning to be more flexible and understanding of difference. I don't tolerate a lot of things, but that's another post for another day. So yeah, I'm really searching for clarity and possibly some sort of closure. I needed to remind myself that I came into this exploration looking for that. Hoping to walk away with either closure of the romantic relationship or the possibility of shot at an adult relationship.

This was therapeutic...thanks for being a sounding board/ear :)