Balance & Honesty...Get Chu Some

I really hate that my feellings are typically on either extreme when I'm dating. Don't hurt my feelings either. Complete withdrawal, to "protect" myself, of course. I've been telling myself that I don't need to withdraw to protect myself. The truth is, if I care, I'm going to hurt regardless. Its just that simple. If I really care and feel as deeply as I claim to then how one feels about me isn't going to change that. This isn't high school and this definitely isn't something to be taken lightly. So I'm being honest with myself in hopes to help me obtain balance!

I thought I had my feelings and expectations under control. Then she put this barrier between us, we'll refer to it as an invisible stiff arm. Three weeks, I watched this invisible stiff arm elongate, I'm being dramatic but that's a part of who I am. Anywho, I was finally brave enough to ask, already knowing the answer. She'd taken a step back to figure things out for herself. SCARY! So now I'm mad, sad, and frightened at the same damn time! I was mad because she didn't say anything, typical. Always processing inward. I recognized that nagging irritation that I'd felt in the past. I was sad because I wanted a perfect version of her, disappointed because I realized that would never be the case. Frightened because, what if she doesn't feel like this is what she wants. That's pretty freaking scary to consider. Especially since my mind frame was 'this is exploratory...let's see where it goes'. But I guess this is all a part of the process. It just came way before I expected. Which lends me to consider something else. All of this is happening on terms other than my own. Ah ha moment! That's it! My ego is upset that we aren't making the rules. Time for me to put up or shut up. It's time to really demonstrate the growth I've done in the past year. Hmph, sometimes I hate being reflective lol. So yeah, I feel the distance amd disconnect but I can'tbe connected to someone who has severed the internet connection. I'm going to start to heed her advice and get back to doing what feels right for me in the moment.

But, yes, balance. I need to figure out other things that help with that. Writing definitely does. I want to paint again too. Maybe I'll get into that. Therapy helps too, I need to go regularly tho. Balance is still key, it's still missing in action.